in the woods

these days i feel like

im all alone

and next year

i'll get a big big room

biggest room on campus

more space to be alone

and next year 

i'll be lsat prepping

and application writing

and internship begging

in a corner of central library

all alone

and after its all said and done

tassel turned to the right

i'll pack up and head out

to the real world

whatever that is

all alone

and i know that everyone says

that we'll be together

every step of the way

but here i am

in the middle of the woods

forgot my way in

dont know my way out

and im

all alone

a title-less work.

so im sitting here in rand

waiting for probably the 3,000th meeting

this calendar year

i wish i was exaggerating

people watching and shit.

yo, i'm finished

i feel myself watching the

people who i actually gave a damn about

with a detached reservation

and watching the people

that i would have given

the shirt off my back for

off from a distance

with no remorse, 

with no remorse

i feel like im drowning

in a whirpool of worries and

lack of empathy and sympathy

that i've concocted 

and i'm too tired

and too frustrated

to figure out how to swim

with my head above water

victim services.

so today in my prison life class

we had special guests from

the victim services of the TDOC

who discussed the other end

of the spectrum

everyone forgets about the person

who was killed

and the people who

loved them and focus on

the murderers and perpetrators

but luckily, TDOC offers

an amazing array of victim services

to give them closure

and a means to heal and try to move on

and while i was in class listening

and taking notes i couldnt help

but wonder

who is available

to give me closure

and counsel me and give me

a reason to move on

a reason to believe

but what if the perpetrator

who beats me up

who tears me down

who leaves my self esteem in

pieces on the ground

is no one 

but me

kiki/living for the city.

so i spent my spring break in jacksonville, florida

alternative spring break 2009

in charge of 10 other souls, including my own

trying to make a

semblance of a difference

in this world

[with a hell of a recession,

as my mother likes to point out]

and we worked at an orphanage

and i fell in love with a little girl named markeisha

kiki

for short

and she took my camera and snapped snapped

amazing pictures and she did cheer jumps

and she smiled wide and she

loved the color pink

just like me

and the first day i came to visit

i was wearing my pink sunglasses

and she asked for a pair

i told her i would bring them

and wednesday she ran up to me

after school with her hannah montana backpack

still attached to her lithe frame and she 

asked did i bring them

i said yes

she jumped up and down

clapped

gave me a big hug

a big kiss

and said she loved me

and oh, she was a diva

from the moment she put those joints on

posing and demanding pictures of her

to be taken

just like me

and the day that we left

knowing that she'd still be in

the orphanage with no one 

to call her own i cried

because i didnt want to tell her

that i was leaving and i would never be back

because that seemed to be

the story of her 6 year old life

and as we drove away i sobbed

and i asked my mom 

if i could adopt her and she asked me

did i have room enough in my towers 2 single

end of discussion

but im pasting a scrapbook

of all the pictures we took over the week

and sending it to her

so that if she ever gets lonely

and thinks that nobody loves her

i won't be there but

i'll be there

and since then, i'm back at vandy

walking around campus in surprisingly

springlike weather

80 degrees 

but still feeling cold and hard

on the inside 

when i walked back to my dorm

i heard a crazy looking old man

with dreads

belting on the top of his lungs

singing

a boy is born in hard time mississippi

Surrounded by four walls that aint so pretty
His parents give him love and affection
To keep him strong moving in the right direction
Living just enough, just enough for the cittaaaaaaaayyyyy

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yeayyyyyyyyyy

and i smiled

for the first real time since i returned back

from spring break

and somehow he gave me comfort

that things may not be 

all that i want

but maybe they're

just enough,

just enough

a message to whom it may concern. sincerely, ashley rhae

to whom it may concern,
this is the last little bit of me
that hasn't been torn away
from the vultures and scavengers
ravaging off my glory

to whom it may concern,
i never gave up on you.
and you'll never know
how much it still hurts when
we walk past each other after
you held me that night when
i sobbed
and i put your weight on my shoulders
and watched over you and
you'll never know how i still
pray for you and hope
that this year has been one big nightmare
and one day i'll wake up from 
the deepest sleep to the sound
of a ridiculous text message from you
but i'm wide awake
and
my heart's still broken
and even though you refuse to say
that you pushed me away
because we became too close
we both know that's the truth
and that's what hurts the most
and still
there are times when something
reminds me of you and i wanna
press your number 
that i still have on speed dial
hoping in vain that one day we'll fall back
in place but i never make that call
and i think i never will
because sometimes when something dies
it's best to let it rest in piece
even though you left me in pieces
and i know you'd rather die than say
you feel the same way

to whom it may concern,
you came in on a gust of wind and 
took my breath away with
the way you talked and even though
your aura had a hint of nerd i 
saw swag and thought the world of you
and when things fell apart
between us and i know that
i can't blame you for everything
you still stayed around to make sure
that i was okay and 
i'll always respect you for that
and i don't hear your ringtone as much
as i used to
and admittingly
as much as i like to
every time i see you i still wonder
how it would be if
i was your girl
but even if that day never comes
i'm perfectly content on watching you
evolve into a hell of a man
from a distance
just know that i'll always be
your biggest fan


to whom it may concern, 
i spent so much time
watching you in terrified awe
of your entire demeanor and 
even though i thought you were 
a complete bitch i wanted to grow up
to be just like you 
in every aspect
so when you took me under your wing
and invested time in my little
sophomore year problems i was
flattered and excited to have
a big sister figure doing big things
and while i admired you
everyone kept telling me that you were
as petty as you were pretty but i 
defended you time and time again
until a phone call 
turned you from a saint to a sinner
in minutes as acid poured from your tongue
into my unassuming ears 
when you told me that i 
would never belong and 
after i hung up the phone i didn't cry
because of what you said but the fact
that you thought so little of me
all along


to whom it may concern, 
when you came to me on a 
cold january night i never thought
you'd be a guest star in so many
of my dreams night after night
and i never thought that i could
get over the superficial and 
what everyone would say but
your heart im sure is bigger than most
and you did what
the rest of them were either too scared
too uninterested or
too uninvested to do 
you listened to me 
and cared about me
despite the fact that i know that im
a work in progress
and when i look into your eyes
i get lost and when you smile
i get butterflies sometimes and when
you sleep sometimes i watch you
and wonder why He made our paths cross
but i won't question a blessing
and even though, baby, i'm messing
up all the time
work with me

to whom it may concern,
i know that was you
who left the most hateful message
in my honesty box that i have ever received
and i know you can't read this because
i blocked your bitch ass but
i have to thank you for reassuring me
during a time that i was wondering
what my purpose on this campus is
so, sweetie you helped me realized
that i'm around to make people like you
want to step their game up and
spend hours on dictionary.com trying to make sure
the hate mail they send me is in proper english
and spend all their paycheck trying to 
style on me even though you don't come close
and waste hours on facebook looking through
my albums trying in vain to find a picture of me
slipping up
so to you, ma'am, i'll never speak a word
yet i can't help but smile smugly when you
walk by
but your message i heard
loud and clear 
and in response to your question
which i never got around to answering back then
yes, i am the shit
ask around
if you need references

to whom it may concern, 
although a year ago i barely
knew you and i still don't
extremely well you have this incredible
warmth that radiates from your soul
and anytime i'm in trouble
or have a moment of doubt
i can call you or text you and 
you'll offer your time or
a hug or 
reassurance and 
i'm convinced that you 
don't have a bad bone in your body.
i know that you're my 'auntie' by default
but you've become family to me 
as time wears on and 
some days i wish that other people
on this campus
in this world
had half the heart that you do
but until they do
i appreciate you for everything
and every way you have reached out to me
and i hope
that i can only be as good of a person
as you are 
some day

to whom it may concern,
it would be a lie to say that
im content with where we stand right now
and im upset that
i spent the entire school year
defending your character
to people who tried to defame it
and i spent last year concealing my hurt
so that you could get your glory
but i cant lie to myself
and to anyone else and say
that you're as good as gold and
an angel you don't know
that i know 
all of the petty things
that you have done to others
that you have said about others 
because you think
for some reason you are better than them
better than me.
but instead of shouting to the world
all the ways that you fall short of 
being a genuinely warm person and
exposing the person behind the mask
i feel that i don't need to because
you know that you can't fight
the monster you've been molded to become
so i'll sit here in silence and pray to God
to take it easy on you when it's time to 
learn the lessons you missed
when you were off being a bitch
because He knows
you know not what you've done

to whom it may concern,
to whom it may not concern,
for everything you've done
be it good or bad
be it right or wrong
thank you.

the love show.

so on saturday night

weeks and weeks of hard work

came to fruition

that morning was rough

i barely ate breakfast

sat through a mean ass perm

that burned like hell

took a cab a half a mile because 

i was late for dress rehearsal

had to take a cab a half mile back

to get my medicine

and get my foundation

and get my life together

but by 6 pm things had settled down

outfit one, was on and i was feeling

semi confident until i heard

hundreds of voices laughing and applauding

as the other acts went on before me

and my knees started shaking and

i prayed to God to not let me pass out

not after all this

so i went on stage three times

and found the courage to speak from my heart

especially during my solo

with my black dress pink heels

center stage, one spotlight

on me

and debangshu told me 5 minutes before

"don't rush this moment

when you get on stage

take a second and let them soak your presence in

and then take that first breath

utter that first word

and own that stage"

so despite the fact that minutes before

i needed kelly to hold me up

i walked on stage

grabbed the microphone like

i had been born to perform

and spit the truest piece i have written yet.

and i walked off stage

to thunderous applause.

hell.

maybe i was born to perform.

alone time.

lately i've been so busy that

alone time is a luxury that

i haven't been able to afford

no matter how much i plan ahead

scrimp and save

there's always something to do

and someone to do it with

but it's been so long since

i've heard myself thinking outloud

that im beginning to wonder

if i've lost my voice

or if its merely muffled

by the moans and groans of the day

and i know that this is the life i chose

and this is the path i opted to take

but the fact that i have to ask someone else

can they hear my heartbeat

because i'm drowning in white noise

and dense crowds

is a problem