12 / 30 : i dreamed a dream.

dc today.

i dreamed a dream

i dreamed a dream of a life worth living

and to see it go up in smoke

puff puff pass

with just one

wrong move

tears my soul in two

is there any way i can

text l. hughes and ask him

what happens to a dream

deferred

10 / 30 : you don't know my name.

4 papers due today. i'm a beast. i'm a dog. i'm sleepy.

you don't know my name

it's funny how you could know me almost

biblically

from the hairs that stand up on my head

alpha

to the the curvature in my heels

omega

but

it's funny that when our paths finally cross

you just shoot

me a wink and

you just shoot

a half hearted smile

so i'm

i'm laying on the ground with a chest pelted with

wayward bullets

you're killing me

and all the same you don't even

know my name

5 / 30 : other side of the game.

normalcy, whatever it means at the moment, is good.

other side of the game

my girls told me that

no one had ever looked so good in blue

from head to toe

just needed accessories to match

a week before we slept in a massive suite

living a life of decadence

a week later three of us on one couch

cramped and uncomfortable

when the cards were re-dealt

turning from luxury to lamentations

they were still there with me

even on the other side of the game

bless them

planes.

atlanta so soon. it's crazy. summer is about to kick into overdrive and before you know it...lap 4 of 4. otherwise known as senior year. insane.

but until then, here's one for the road. or the sky. we'll see.

planes.

there's something that scares me

something so unforgiving

about a boeing 747 that

sets me on absolute edge

because if it falls out the

sky

the only one to catch it

and cradle it to a safe slumber

is God

so i'd rather stay on my two feet

plus four wheels and

traverse across the country

that way

but to limit myself and

to clip my wings so that

i stiffle my destinations

is not the will of God

i'm always

so worried

about falling

about failing.

be

cause

what

if

i

hap

pened

to

sprout

wings

take

off

and

soar

?

hide and seek.

it's summer. i'm tripping until june 6th when i leave for ATL. so until then...random spurts of poems that hopefullyyyyyy i can manifest into something decent during the school year. after LSATs of course. but thats another story.

hide and seek

i've spent the better part of my
adolescent and young adult life
yearning for
the bad boys with sick wheels
the pseudo - intellectuals
the captains of the football team
the poets with no substance
the XYZ strolling at the party
the rapper with one mixtape out
and every time they've been
piss poor porta potties
full of themselves
from everyone's shit

and the past three years
in the gates of black and gold
the same story has been told
year in and year out but
some how some way
our paths must have crossed a hundred times
and my eyes were fixed on
an aluminum and tinfoil prize while the treasure
walked briskly down the promenade
head buried in his chemistry book
late for class

and i cant help but wonder if you're
a figment of my imagination
an mirage for my parched soul and
wounded ego but from where i'm standing
you look like the real thing
and i think that is what scares me the most

because
maybe i'm destined to marry a poet like me
and have him whisper sweet nothings
that dance in one ear and drudge out the other
maybe i'm destined to marry a businessman
who only speaks NYSE and WSJ
and looks up occasionally from his Economist
maybe i'm one of those girls
who get what they thought they wanted
because they didn't keep their eyes on the prize
like martin suggested so long ago

but now i see
that the beautiful blinding truth
with a beautiful blinding white smile
has been walking past me for semesters now
chocolate coated skin encompassing his frame

and i feel like i'm too late
but i can't help but look. and sneak a peak
here you've been for the longest time
while i've been playing hide and seek

to the men out there.

so i need to apologize. i didnt get to finish my 30/30 blog because of finals! wackness. but i loved every day of it.
since then...im now a senior. crazy. i went to atlanta to work at a homeless cafe which changed my life. and i got robbed in the process..which is a story [or a poem] for another day.
now im back home. its summer. and.....the best is yet to come. let's go!

to the men out there.


to the men out there
especially you in particular
i cant let you walk away from
an unfortunate situation thinking that
all women are the same

and i cant let a black superman turn into
an evil villain, a bad guy
your cape collecting dust in the corner because
your heart was broken by
a careless woman
miss kryptonite

because we XYs
we were all made equal but different
leaving you in
the cold with one hand full of twelve roses
and the other empty with
no palm to hold
is something that i know that i would never do
to you

and if i ever met a man who took the time
to take me out every weekend
to call me up every night
to send me gifts just because he can
to and loved me for who i am
the way you did
for her
i swear that i would never
let his hand go he'd be mine forever
and you'dve put a ring on it
a long time ago because you see

i know alot of other women just like me
yearning for men like you to appear
but its an oasis out here and we're tired
of these god damn mirages so we'd rather be parched
choking on dust and sand
than crawl desperately to the next fleeting image
the next man who isn't worth shit
while you sit in your room throwing
those flowers for her in a trashcan
taking
the pictures of yall of the wall
putting them in a drawer
sobbing all alone
because the woman you loved let you go
and you can't figure out where you went wrong

let me tell you that not every woman will
appreciate your grandeur and affection
some women want to be thrown around and
roughed up before they know that love is real and
some woman will take your kindness and diamond karats
with smiles on their faces and run off in the sunset
tugging your heart on a string behind them and
some women may care about you but can't find
a way to tell you so and they may fade away
too

but please
don't let this discourage you
and don't let this encourage you
to become one of those men who treats
every girl he sees like a ho who thinks
of women as sperm dumpsters and not queens
who fucks them
who leaves them
who retreats them for the next usual suspect
who couldn't spell out the word 'love'
to save his life

i promise you that everything will be alright
despite that lately your day and night
have been turned upright have
faith
and believe that when you find the
woman of your dreams
that love will be ordained and she'll stick
around
no matter if its sunny or it rains and she'd
rather die than let go of your hand and
she'll tell everyone that you are HER man
then you'll really understand that

a good woman
is hard to find
a good man
even harder
and we're all tired
of playing these games of
hide and seek
lost and found
there are women who give
anything
to have you around so if
nothing else
this poem will achieve
dust off your cap, sweetheart,
you will save some woman's day
you just have to
believe

9 / 30 : girltalk.

whoooa yes lord. got a perm today so im feeling fierce. but its supposed to rain tomorrow :( but its going to be a good weekend. my mommy is coming down and what not.

andddddd [drumroll]

in the new president of vanderbilt spoken word!!!!! a weekend to celebrate. 

but before then....a poem! 

as usual, nate prolly got off his ass and wrote a poem here. and u can be sure that there are dope poems on the 3030 cypher here. 

girltalk

girl, don't you know that

i've been in your shoes before

thought the same thoughts talked

the same talk negativity oozing

out of my pores and bitterness

tearing away at my humanity

sitting here looking at you is like

looking back at me mirror image

of who i used to be but i refuse

to let anyone tell me to stifle my swag

and modify my destiny

and i wont let them tell you that either

girl, the tears that have dropped down your face

are identical to my own and

i've felt the doubt that you feel when

you walk into a room 

and when the paranoia that they are talking

about you heads your way

turn your pretty head girl

don't let them ruin your day

because i let it ruin months and months

and ate me inside out

if i could turn back the hands of time

there would be no doubt

my attitude would change and my swag

would have never faltered

and when i see someone like you

being hurt like someone like me

i cant help but be bothered

you are beautiful beyond belief

and you have an unconquerable soul

your wisdom is beyond your years

and you'll conquer all of your fears

in due time

but for right now let this marinate

and i know it will hurt to do

but by the end of the road

when you turn and look back 

you'll see that letting the anger brew

would do nothing at all

so if you can bear witness to your enemies

look them in the face and stand tall

trust me when i say, 

girl, one day 

you'll have 

it all

7 / 30 : hot and bothered.

so its 5:45 in the morning and today i was listening to my itouch and i hear this crazyyyy noise. my fan broke. i like to keep my room cool. my sleep cycle is already fucked and im burning up in this room and i cant sleep so...why not write it out.

i'll probably end up writing another poem by the end of the day, which hasn't legit begun. 2 poem limits per day though is the rule. i'll adhere.

....but seriously, does anyone have a fan i can borrow until the end of the month?

hot and bothered

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood-dimmed tied is loosed, and everywhere

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

Are full of passionate intensity

-- William Butler Yeats

i can't help by lay on my back

in my room and i'm sweating

beads sliding down my furrowed brow

as i wonder where and when

things fell apart

my fan is broken and although im 

burning up one of the main reasons

i keep it on al the time is the noise

drowns out everything in the hall

everything outside

everything in me

and now that i threw it down the chute

silence fills the room and

my thoughts are trickling down my face

and i can hear the pit pat of the

raindrops on this april morning

i guess i'll buy a new fan tomorrow

because i can't live like this

staying up until 6 am 

worrying about these issues

that are suffocating me 

with sweltering density

things fall apart

this i know to be true and i've

seen it happen so often this year

that i admit

that i've stopped trying to build up

what i know the tide will come

and wash away

but be that as it may

on this april morning i lay

veering between 

a lack of conviction and

a passionate intensity 

for the first time all year i hear

the kirkland bell tolling for me

im sweating and im swearing

that i'd stop caring

because these tools are to worn

to begin again

and why fight a battle

that you can't win

because things

fall

apart

6 / 30 : photograph.

so i went to bed at 7 am, woke up at 8:45 for class, and somehow managed to stay up until 3:30 until i fell the hell asleep. bless my heart.

mondays suck. but poems make it all better.

as usual, check out mr. marshall over here. and the 30/30 cypher here.

let's get it.

photograph

im browsing through my macbook

trying to create a slideshow of

the year past and i realized

that these memories are still

burned into my skull and

etched in my heart no matter

how far i try to put you out of my mind

and theres a picture of the two of us

candid as hell, neither looking at the camera

your mouth is wide open

big white teeth gleaming

gear fresh as usual

my chinky eyes are wide shut

as i grin with glee

and we're sharing a moment

when nothing else mattered

when we were still

best friends

and its captured on film

for me to look at and to remember

the september

before everything fell apart

and if you're reading this

just know that this poem

only a few lines long

took me 30 minutes to write

because its hard to type

when im looking at this photograph

and the pain escapes

through tears running down my cheeks

the love show.

so on saturday night

weeks and weeks of hard work

came to fruition

that morning was rough

i barely ate breakfast

sat through a mean ass perm

that burned like hell

took a cab a half a mile because 

i was late for dress rehearsal

had to take a cab a half mile back

to get my medicine

and get my foundation

and get my life together

but by 6 pm things had settled down

outfit one, was on and i was feeling

semi confident until i heard

hundreds of voices laughing and applauding

as the other acts went on before me

and my knees started shaking and

i prayed to God to not let me pass out

not after all this

so i went on stage three times

and found the courage to speak from my heart

especially during my solo

with my black dress pink heels

center stage, one spotlight

on me

and debangshu told me 5 minutes before

"don't rush this moment

when you get on stage

take a second and let them soak your presence in

and then take that first breath

utter that first word

and own that stage"

so despite the fact that minutes before

i needed kelly to hold me up

i walked on stage

grabbed the microphone like

i had been born to perform

and spit the truest piece i have written yet.

and i walked off stage

to thunderous applause.

hell.

maybe i was born to perform.

the inevitable awkward class discussion on race.

so yesterday in my political science class, we resumed discussion on 'the race question.' race is one of my favorite topics, for a variety of reasons, but i knew that i couldn't say anything today because "they" would expect me too. professor mcdaniel asked question after question about dubois, BTW, garvey, X, mlk, carmichael, leaders that i am extremely well versed in and could speak volumes of. but everytime his questions drew a pregnant pause, i saw heads turn in linden and my direction, expecting us to be the little black ambassadors on race. i played stupid and looked at the ceiling. i think linden looked at the wall. either way, we were not going to entertain these white people and be walking talking negro encyclopedias for a day, only to ignore our presence the next class period.
this discussion usually turns up once in a semester, and i'm usually more embarrassed but yesterday i was angry and i wanted to throw the souls of black folk down and walk the hell out but that's probably blasphemous. WEB is my boy, after all.