20 / 30 : a prayer for the class of 2010.

my class is the best. enough said.

a prayer for the class of 2010.


The number ten [x] is the start of a whole new order of numbers and the culmination of the numbers that come before it. Thus wherever ten is found this completeness of order is also seen. Ten implies completeness of order, nothing lacking and nothing over. It signifies that the cycle is complete and that everything is in its proper order. Thus ten represents the perfection of divine order.


dear Lord,

please watch over my class
my family
as we make our way towards the beginning
of an end of a remarkable journey 

You ordained every step of our lives to make
sure that we arrived at the gates of black and
gold in august of 2006. each of us thought long
and hard and prayed that vanderbilt would be
a humbling home, an encouraging atmosphere
the night before i left i cried because i wasn't sure
if these people who were my classmates
would understand me and love me

they love me and i love them. our class
is unparalleled and unprecedented. 
from the
beginning, we fell into a massive freshman frenzy
of love for each other, stepping out to parties
in clothes freshly purchased to impress upperclassmen
and took pictures that deemed facebook friendly
and took some more that would never see the light of day
we rolled deep 
arms linked because we were all
that we had and that was 
more than enough 
we knew we were 
the flyest freshman class to do it 
we threw up the X and bowed our heads
the symbol of our beautiful struggle
nothing else to be said but 
some people
were quite vocal 
about feeling otherwise

but when times got hard we turned to each other
i visited my "uncles" on dyer 3 when i had boy drama and
kicked it with posse 17 when i wanted to get away and
ate pub fries with the girls writing on the bricks and
hit the frogback with mikey at SLC parties and
played freeze tag on the lawn until we died laughing and
rushed the barracades when ludacris came out and
baked cookies with megan for boys we were smitten with
dropped 60 on cabrides to the mall to get a party dress and
lived with the vandy/barnard girls half of the year and
sat up watching videos with zach in vaughn house and 
cried to angelica after coolio publicly molested me and
it was a crazy year

by sophomore year we had split
to different sides of the vanderuniverse
half of us in a social experiment called the commons
the other half on main campus and it wasn't
so easy to see the people we loved the most
and the workload got heavier as the days
turned into sleepless nights as we crammed and
we cliqued up and were turned off by some of the people
we had fallen in love with the fall before and before
we knew it rumors fell like snow by the time
second semester hit and unnecessary untruths 
that had been building up found their way on to
a website that had us eating and breathing gossip
had us typing furiously behind anonymity
had us sobbing. brokenhearted. ready to leave.
i was ready to leave.
but my class 
my family wouldn't let me give up and fall victim
to rumors and lies its funny 
God
how the most
unfortunate situations can bring people
back together
i wouldn't let anyone play my classmates
i gave and received calls of encouragement
we were determined not to let anyone fall apart
the struggle continued

junior year broke a lot of our hearts
and scared us to death we were that
much closer to the world outside and we
had to get realistic about who we were
and what we wanted from this experience
we turned 21 with grace
sort of
and we didn't club nearly as much
as we did when "it's goin down" premiered
freshman year but anytime someone turned up
yo gotti's that's whats up
we would throw our books aside and my class
would get it in like we did when chancellor gee
popped into the lambda house and helped himself
to a drink we buckled down and got serious
about our futures but were never too busy
to show each other love 
or to take another class x photo
for old times' sake

what i'm really trying to say Lord is please
watch over my family this year
may
14
2010
is etched into our hearts and we want it so bad
that we are spending summer nights
locked away in our rooms pouring 
over mcat gre lsat books 
falling asleep in between the pages
we're picking up these applications
hoping that a beautiful personal statement
will just come to us in a dream we are
leaders on campus who will be damned
if we don't leave a legacy for those after us and
we're excited
and a sort of sad
about moving in for the last time we have tried
our best the past three years we aren't perfect
and You know that but
together
we are a complete set nothing lacking
we are a culmination of dreams fulfilled
we are a divine perfection 
we are the class of twenty 
ten 
anything before was lacking
anything after is superfluous
all our paths were elegantly planned by you
to cross and become a family
together
we are eXcellent
in the most phenomenal way
never in my wildest dreams that summer
three years ago could i have imagined
that i would be part of the most
eXtraordinary family that vanderbilt
has ever seen
we've been through hell and back but nothing
has ripped us from our seams and i
am blessed and i 
am better because of every one of them
i pray that this year
be the best one yet but 
i'm not worried
because You have blessed me with
a family
that has always
taken care of me

in Your name,
Amen

5 / 30 : touch.

i'm the type of person

who's blood runs so cold now

that i need a tight embrace

to finally fall asleep

and this past winter happened to be

the coldest ever

in at least 

504 different ways

and you would come to me 

at the stroke of midnight on some

cinderfella shit 

placed your coat on my dresser

unzipped your hoodie

kicked off the kicks

climbed in my bed and made it

hot

i'd be lying if i said i loved you

and you'd be lying if you said

the same but

i fell in love with your touch

each and every time your

skin pinched mine

my twin bed was so small but

it always held us comfortably

as long as we were intertwined

tight like thieves

ankles to ankles

knees to knees and we

breathed the same stifling air

until the fumes made us pass out

but in the early morning around 4

am i would often wake up in a panic

victim of a midmorning's nightmare

and i'd shake you off of me 

you'd look so hurt

hurt 

each and every time although

they were honest mistakes

i think

.

26 / 30 : sunday morning.

today, i took it easy. church. post church brunch. post brunch nap. post nap chit chat with the bff. and now a post chit chat poem. 

sunday morning

i can honestly say

although i'm ashamed to admit that

i woke up this morning earlier

than i ever do on the Lord's day

i haven't been to one church

in Nashville since I first walked

through the gates in 2006

my home church i love dearly and

the search for something new

seemed like a daunting task

that i have been intentionally

putting off but no time is better

than the present

even if the present is the last

sunday of your junior year

and we parked onto a gravel parking lot

which took me back to the old days

in south carolina in my

one room church and the pews

felt warm and worn and 

faces i had never seen before

looked familiar and loving and

my bible that hasn't seen any church

since back home over christmas

opened eagerly to psalms 63 and

i fingered the pages gently

looking through the notes i had made

in years past 

this bible is 17 years old and has been

through every spiritual up and down

that i can recall

and as i went to the alter and kneeled to

pray the tears fell because after all this time

after sunday morning brunches after

a scandalous saturday night and after

this year 

the year that Satan tried to get me to

submit my soul to him over i couldn't help

but feel at home in the house of the Lord

and i wept

and along the way

i forgot somehow

that the house of the Lord

isn't just one church in Cincinnati

where they come together in his name

there He shall be

21 / 30 : the LDOC.

last day of classes, junior year. crazy, right.

but much to look forward to in the near future. in the meantime -

the LDOC

there has to be an end

if there's a beginning and today

i woke up with the end in mind

and in sight as i walked out of

my last class and prepared

to be a senior

but being a senior

doesn't mean that i'm immune

from mistakes because

when i see you and when

you touch me 

even though it's the end

it feels like the beginning

all over again

makedamnsure.

if i can think of any lesson

that i've learned this school year

that is slowly winding to a close

make damn sure

makedamnsure that you

know exactly who you are

and never forget

write it down

put it in your blackberry

set a reminder once a week

hide it under your mattress

like a 4th grade diary 

scribble it on a post it note

and place it by your light switch

because if you don't remember

they will rip you up

and tear you down

and tell you that you

are everything that you're not

everything they despise

so before its too late

and you lose the faith

you better make damn sure

makedamnsure 

you dont submit

never forget

day n nite.

as much as i hate papers

and bullshit assignments i love 

our study sessions

itssooooocutebaby

when you sit down next to me

on my bed posted up on the wall

with your book filled with crazy problems

numbers and things that look like squiggles 

with your headphones on

tapping your right hand on the page

scribbling answers with your left

and its usually around 3:30 am that i 

wrap my assignments up or

set my alarm to wake up at 6 to finish

i turn to look at you and your head

is bobbing up and down, exhausted

eventually one of us will fall over

or fall off the bed. so sad.

and we put the books and bookbags

and pencils and paper

on the ground and i crumble

into your arms under my covers

snuggled in the sheets ears pressed

against your chest listening to your heart beat

and by this point in the night

or the morning, technically

your arms always find a way

to wrap around my chest

stroke my hair and breathe into

my ear until you fall asleep

you usually fall asleep before i do

so im half dazed laying here

looking up at you 

counting your eyelashes

stroking your cheek

until i lose count and i fall asleep

rinse

wash

repeat

a poem written when i should be studying.

sometimes you need to just

do the exact opposite of what needs to be done

at the moment

right now i should be studying for

a general logic test that i'll probably fail but

this poem needs to 

sprout wings and take root and be

presented to the world

and although everything is different

and i wouldn't have imagined it

six months ago things are

better than i would have imagined

and although last week i

threw up a white flag in defeat

this week i came out guns blazing

and although now things are more tense

on this campus than normal

in more ways than one

the storm inside of me

is calming down

and although my head is stuffy

im sneezing like a motherfucker

and im breathing like a creep

its time to renew and its time to

wake up

in the woods

these days i feel like

im all alone

and next year

i'll get a big big room

biggest room on campus

more space to be alone

and next year 

i'll be lsat prepping

and application writing

and internship begging

in a corner of central library

all alone

and after its all said and done

tassel turned to the right

i'll pack up and head out

to the real world

whatever that is

all alone

and i know that everyone says

that we'll be together

every step of the way

but here i am

in the middle of the woods

forgot my way in

dont know my way out

and im

all alone

victim services.

so today in my prison life class

we had special guests from

the victim services of the TDOC

who discussed the other end

of the spectrum

everyone forgets about the person

who was killed

and the people who

loved them and focus on

the murderers and perpetrators

but luckily, TDOC offers

an amazing array of victim services

to give them closure

and a means to heal and try to move on

and while i was in class listening

and taking notes i couldnt help

but wonder

who is available

to give me closure

and counsel me and give me

a reason to move on

a reason to believe

but what if the perpetrator

who beats me up

who tears me down

who leaves my self esteem in

pieces on the ground

is no one 

but me

kiki/living for the city.

so i spent my spring break in jacksonville, florida

alternative spring break 2009

in charge of 10 other souls, including my own

trying to make a

semblance of a difference

in this world

[with a hell of a recession,

as my mother likes to point out]

and we worked at an orphanage

and i fell in love with a little girl named markeisha

kiki

for short

and she took my camera and snapped snapped

amazing pictures and she did cheer jumps

and she smiled wide and she

loved the color pink

just like me

and the first day i came to visit

i was wearing my pink sunglasses

and she asked for a pair

i told her i would bring them

and wednesday she ran up to me

after school with her hannah montana backpack

still attached to her lithe frame and she 

asked did i bring them

i said yes

she jumped up and down

clapped

gave me a big hug

a big kiss

and said she loved me

and oh, she was a diva

from the moment she put those joints on

posing and demanding pictures of her

to be taken

just like me

and the day that we left

knowing that she'd still be in

the orphanage with no one 

to call her own i cried

because i didnt want to tell her

that i was leaving and i would never be back

because that seemed to be

the story of her 6 year old life

and as we drove away i sobbed

and i asked my mom 

if i could adopt her and she asked me

did i have room enough in my towers 2 single

end of discussion

but im pasting a scrapbook

of all the pictures we took over the week

and sending it to her

so that if she ever gets lonely

and thinks that nobody loves her

i won't be there but

i'll be there

and since then, i'm back at vandy

walking around campus in surprisingly

springlike weather

80 degrees 

but still feeling cold and hard

on the inside 

when i walked back to my dorm

i heard a crazy looking old man

with dreads

belting on the top of his lungs

singing

a boy is born in hard time mississippi

Surrounded by four walls that aint so pretty
His parents give him love and affection
To keep him strong moving in the right direction
Living just enough, just enough for the cittaaaaaaaayyyyy

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yeayyyyyyyyyy

and i smiled

for the first real time since i returned back

from spring break

and somehow he gave me comfort

that things may not be 

all that i want

but maybe they're

just enough,

just enough

a message to whom it may concern. sincerely, ashley rhae

to whom it may concern,
this is the last little bit of me
that hasn't been torn away
from the vultures and scavengers
ravaging off my glory

to whom it may concern,
i never gave up on you.
and you'll never know
how much it still hurts when
we walk past each other after
you held me that night when
i sobbed
and i put your weight on my shoulders
and watched over you and
you'll never know how i still
pray for you and hope
that this year has been one big nightmare
and one day i'll wake up from 
the deepest sleep to the sound
of a ridiculous text message from you
but i'm wide awake
and
my heart's still broken
and even though you refuse to say
that you pushed me away
because we became too close
we both know that's the truth
and that's what hurts the most
and still
there are times when something
reminds me of you and i wanna
press your number 
that i still have on speed dial
hoping in vain that one day we'll fall back
in place but i never make that call
and i think i never will
because sometimes when something dies
it's best to let it rest in piece
even though you left me in pieces
and i know you'd rather die than say
you feel the same way

to whom it may concern,
you came in on a gust of wind and 
took my breath away with
the way you talked and even though
your aura had a hint of nerd i 
saw swag and thought the world of you
and when things fell apart
between us and i know that
i can't blame you for everything
you still stayed around to make sure
that i was okay and 
i'll always respect you for that
and i don't hear your ringtone as much
as i used to
and admittingly
as much as i like to
every time i see you i still wonder
how it would be if
i was your girl
but even if that day never comes
i'm perfectly content on watching you
evolve into a hell of a man
from a distance
just know that i'll always be
your biggest fan


to whom it may concern, 
i spent so much time
watching you in terrified awe
of your entire demeanor and 
even though i thought you were 
a complete bitch i wanted to grow up
to be just like you 
in every aspect
so when you took me under your wing
and invested time in my little
sophomore year problems i was
flattered and excited to have
a big sister figure doing big things
and while i admired you
everyone kept telling me that you were
as petty as you were pretty but i 
defended you time and time again
until a phone call 
turned you from a saint to a sinner
in minutes as acid poured from your tongue
into my unassuming ears 
when you told me that i 
would never belong and 
after i hung up the phone i didn't cry
because of what you said but the fact
that you thought so little of me
all along


to whom it may concern, 
when you came to me on a 
cold january night i never thought
you'd be a guest star in so many
of my dreams night after night
and i never thought that i could
get over the superficial and 
what everyone would say but
your heart im sure is bigger than most
and you did what
the rest of them were either too scared
too uninterested or
too uninvested to do 
you listened to me 
and cared about me
despite the fact that i know that im
a work in progress
and when i look into your eyes
i get lost and when you smile
i get butterflies sometimes and when
you sleep sometimes i watch you
and wonder why He made our paths cross
but i won't question a blessing
and even though, baby, i'm messing
up all the time
work with me

to whom it may concern,
i know that was you
who left the most hateful message
in my honesty box that i have ever received
and i know you can't read this because
i blocked your bitch ass but
i have to thank you for reassuring me
during a time that i was wondering
what my purpose on this campus is
so, sweetie you helped me realized
that i'm around to make people like you
want to step their game up and
spend hours on dictionary.com trying to make sure
the hate mail they send me is in proper english
and spend all their paycheck trying to 
style on me even though you don't come close
and waste hours on facebook looking through
my albums trying in vain to find a picture of me
slipping up
so to you, ma'am, i'll never speak a word
yet i can't help but smile smugly when you
walk by
but your message i heard
loud and clear 
and in response to your question
which i never got around to answering back then
yes, i am the shit
ask around
if you need references

to whom it may concern, 
although a year ago i barely
knew you and i still don't
extremely well you have this incredible
warmth that radiates from your soul
and anytime i'm in trouble
or have a moment of doubt
i can call you or text you and 
you'll offer your time or
a hug or 
reassurance and 
i'm convinced that you 
don't have a bad bone in your body.
i know that you're my 'auntie' by default
but you've become family to me 
as time wears on and 
some days i wish that other people
on this campus
in this world
had half the heart that you do
but until they do
i appreciate you for everything
and every way you have reached out to me
and i hope
that i can only be as good of a person
as you are 
some day

to whom it may concern,
it would be a lie to say that
im content with where we stand right now
and im upset that
i spent the entire school year
defending your character
to people who tried to defame it
and i spent last year concealing my hurt
so that you could get your glory
but i cant lie to myself
and to anyone else and say
that you're as good as gold and
an angel you don't know
that i know 
all of the petty things
that you have done to others
that you have said about others 
because you think
for some reason you are better than them
better than me.
but instead of shouting to the world
all the ways that you fall short of 
being a genuinely warm person and
exposing the person behind the mask
i feel that i don't need to because
you know that you can't fight
the monster you've been molded to become
so i'll sit here in silence and pray to God
to take it easy on you when it's time to 
learn the lessons you missed
when you were off being a bitch
because He knows
you know not what you've done

to whom it may concern,
to whom it may not concern,
for everything you've done
be it good or bad
be it right or wrong
thank you.

the love show.

so on saturday night

weeks and weeks of hard work

came to fruition

that morning was rough

i barely ate breakfast

sat through a mean ass perm

that burned like hell

took a cab a half a mile because 

i was late for dress rehearsal

had to take a cab a half mile back

to get my medicine

and get my foundation

and get my life together

but by 6 pm things had settled down

outfit one, was on and i was feeling

semi confident until i heard

hundreds of voices laughing and applauding

as the other acts went on before me

and my knees started shaking and

i prayed to God to not let me pass out

not after all this

so i went on stage three times

and found the courage to speak from my heart

especially during my solo

with my black dress pink heels

center stage, one spotlight

on me

and debangshu told me 5 minutes before

"don't rush this moment

when you get on stage

take a second and let them soak your presence in

and then take that first breath

utter that first word

and own that stage"

so despite the fact that minutes before

i needed kelly to hold me up

i walked on stage

grabbed the microphone like

i had been born to perform

and spit the truest piece i have written yet.

and i walked off stage

to thunderous applause.

hell.

maybe i was born to perform.

alone time.

lately i've been so busy that

alone time is a luxury that

i haven't been able to afford

no matter how much i plan ahead

scrimp and save

there's always something to do

and someone to do it with

but it's been so long since

i've heard myself thinking outloud

that im beginning to wonder

if i've lost my voice

or if its merely muffled

by the moans and groans of the day

and i know that this is the life i chose

and this is the path i opted to take

but the fact that i have to ask someone else

can they hear my heartbeat

because i'm drowning in white noise

and dense crowds

is a problem

breathe and stop

i look on my iCal

[thank goodness for this macbook

or my life would be in shambles]

and i realize that

there isn't a day "free" on my

calender for the next two weeks.

and while i've done it before

and i'll do it again

because He created me to climb

bigger mountains and fight

greater demons 

is there any shame

in taking a break

to breathe and stop

hard time.

i'm doing research on

a prison that i will be visiting tomorrow

actually, correction -

a correctional facility -

and i stumble across a blog

fueled by a desperate wife

missing her husband

hopefully getting parole in

1 year

7 months

4 weeks

3 days

18 hours

and 57

56

55 seconds

so that she can sleep in his arms again.

and i cant help but hope

that God finds a way to dry her tears

and hold her tight

if worse comes to worse

as things quite often do

and two years from now

the pillow on the 

other side of the bed

is still as cold as it has been

in previous years past

the journal.

so i woke up this morning

to a most familiar voice

telling me he's downstairs

with a belated birthday gift.

so i hop out of bed

[turn my swag on]

and greet him in my slippers 

he hands me a beautiful journal

full of empty pages

except a note from him in the very front

full of silly jokes

and words of encouragement 

to keep writing.

and for years i have shied away from 

real live tangible journals in fear that

they would get in the wrong hands or

someone would blackmail me or

one day

i'd look back

and see the pain on every page

and know that this paragraph

on february 18, 2009 

is jumbled and unreadable because

i was sitting on my bed

mascara running, gasping for breath

sobbing.

but after he left i looked at

and held up this

brown and gold bound up

gift from one writer to another

and i sat down at my desk

and carefully and painstakingly

thought out loud

and to my surprise

the words found their places

on the page

tis the season to be hating.

i really don't understand
why all of a sudden
the past few months or so
my honesty box
[which i am realizing i should just destroy]
has been full of
ridiculously hateful messages
from petty females
calling me anything but
a child of God

and it's odd because this year
i'm so hard to find, seriously.
i'm on my waldo ish so to come at me
and tell me about myself
ESPECIALLY if you're a sophomore
or lord forbid, a freshman,
do you really know me?

at first it made me upset
almost to the point of tears but
this isn't sophomore year, round 2
i will be 21 in 24 hours
and i can't help
that i'm on these little girls' minds
like it's my job.

actually, it is my job. not to
make anyone feel threatened but to
let my light shine and be
the most absolutely amazing ashley rhae
that God will allow me to be and
if you feel that my light
is shining brighter than yours,
instead of hating and trying to extinguish
mine,
sit back and take notes.

finals.

i dont think i sleep anymore
and i havent eaten so many
milky way bars ever in life or
drank so many cups of coffee but
finals week 2008 has been
absolutely draining.

and at the same time i really
am wrapping everything up
and leaving what should be left
in this semester
and leaving who should be left
in this semester
behind
in this semester

auto-pilot.

a funny thing happens during exam week. mere mortals turn into mutants with the ability to stay up 36 hours straight, surviving only on hot chocolate and milky way bars. for an A, people will stay up all nite, in the most uncomfortable and compromising positions. some people will lie. some people will steal. some people will wear a green sweatshirt with orange leggings. all are crimes, all are against the law, but for some reason, during exam week, the game changes.

so last night/this morning, i had to have looked like i was strung out on drugs. slurred speech. walking with a limp. memory impairment. vision blurred. sprawled out on the floor taking naps. there was no way in hell i was going to let PSCI 204 beat me.

my exam started at 9 am. no real sleep in 36 hours. i get my exam booklet. multiple choice: difficult but not unbearable. id questions: straight. short answers: my head gets heavy. i start writing unintelligble things "frederick douglass went to a party last night". the next thing i know, my professor is tapping me on the shoulder, waking me up.

i go to the bathroom. throw water on my already horrific looking face. bounce around. stretch. do old cheer routines. anything to get me back in the game.

i come back in to the lecture hall. knock the essay out the park. A.

come back to my room. go to bed at 11 am. wake up at 3 pm. cannot go back to sleep. cannot figure out WHY i cannot go back to sleep. my body is on auto-pilot and i can't turn this shit off.

the rain.

as usual, i'm improperly dressed
for inclimate weather but today
legit caught me off guard and
when it rained, it poured

although half of my perm
is seeping in the earth somewhere
between towers 2 and wilson hall
i felt cleansed like my paster
dipped me back those years ago
and i came up sputtering
and brand new

others around me were walking
briskly trying to get to where the
had to go as quickly as possible
dodging raindrops like bullets but
the little chocolate girl
sans umbrella was walking
slow and steady
savoring the aroma