a message to whom it may concern. sincerely, ashley rhae

to whom it may concern,
this is the last little bit of me
that hasn't been torn away
from the vultures and scavengers
ravaging off my glory

to whom it may concern,
i never gave up on you.
and you'll never know
how much it still hurts when
we walk past each other after
you held me that night when
i sobbed
and i put your weight on my shoulders
and watched over you and
you'll never know how i still
pray for you and hope
that this year has been one big nightmare
and one day i'll wake up from 
the deepest sleep to the sound
of a ridiculous text message from you
but i'm wide awake
and
my heart's still broken
and even though you refuse to say
that you pushed me away
because we became too close
we both know that's the truth
and that's what hurts the most
and still
there are times when something
reminds me of you and i wanna
press your number 
that i still have on speed dial
hoping in vain that one day we'll fall back
in place but i never make that call
and i think i never will
because sometimes when something dies
it's best to let it rest in piece
even though you left me in pieces
and i know you'd rather die than say
you feel the same way

to whom it may concern,
you came in on a gust of wind and 
took my breath away with
the way you talked and even though
your aura had a hint of nerd i 
saw swag and thought the world of you
and when things fell apart
between us and i know that
i can't blame you for everything
you still stayed around to make sure
that i was okay and 
i'll always respect you for that
and i don't hear your ringtone as much
as i used to
and admittingly
as much as i like to
every time i see you i still wonder
how it would be if
i was your girl
but even if that day never comes
i'm perfectly content on watching you
evolve into a hell of a man
from a distance
just know that i'll always be
your biggest fan


to whom it may concern, 
i spent so much time
watching you in terrified awe
of your entire demeanor and 
even though i thought you were 
a complete bitch i wanted to grow up
to be just like you 
in every aspect
so when you took me under your wing
and invested time in my little
sophomore year problems i was
flattered and excited to have
a big sister figure doing big things
and while i admired you
everyone kept telling me that you were
as petty as you were pretty but i 
defended you time and time again
until a phone call 
turned you from a saint to a sinner
in minutes as acid poured from your tongue
into my unassuming ears 
when you told me that i 
would never belong and 
after i hung up the phone i didn't cry
because of what you said but the fact
that you thought so little of me
all along


to whom it may concern, 
when you came to me on a 
cold january night i never thought
you'd be a guest star in so many
of my dreams night after night
and i never thought that i could
get over the superficial and 
what everyone would say but
your heart im sure is bigger than most
and you did what
the rest of them were either too scared
too uninterested or
too uninvested to do 
you listened to me 
and cared about me
despite the fact that i know that im
a work in progress
and when i look into your eyes
i get lost and when you smile
i get butterflies sometimes and when
you sleep sometimes i watch you
and wonder why He made our paths cross
but i won't question a blessing
and even though, baby, i'm messing
up all the time
work with me

to whom it may concern,
i know that was you
who left the most hateful message
in my honesty box that i have ever received
and i know you can't read this because
i blocked your bitch ass but
i have to thank you for reassuring me
during a time that i was wondering
what my purpose on this campus is
so, sweetie you helped me realized
that i'm around to make people like you
want to step their game up and
spend hours on dictionary.com trying to make sure
the hate mail they send me is in proper english
and spend all their paycheck trying to 
style on me even though you don't come close
and waste hours on facebook looking through
my albums trying in vain to find a picture of me
slipping up
so to you, ma'am, i'll never speak a word
yet i can't help but smile smugly when you
walk by
but your message i heard
loud and clear 
and in response to your question
which i never got around to answering back then
yes, i am the shit
ask around
if you need references

to whom it may concern, 
although a year ago i barely
knew you and i still don't
extremely well you have this incredible
warmth that radiates from your soul
and anytime i'm in trouble
or have a moment of doubt
i can call you or text you and 
you'll offer your time or
a hug or 
reassurance and 
i'm convinced that you 
don't have a bad bone in your body.
i know that you're my 'auntie' by default
but you've become family to me 
as time wears on and 
some days i wish that other people
on this campus
in this world
had half the heart that you do
but until they do
i appreciate you for everything
and every way you have reached out to me
and i hope
that i can only be as good of a person
as you are 
some day

to whom it may concern,
it would be a lie to say that
im content with where we stand right now
and im upset that
i spent the entire school year
defending your character
to people who tried to defame it
and i spent last year concealing my hurt
so that you could get your glory
but i cant lie to myself
and to anyone else and say
that you're as good as gold and
an angel you don't know
that i know 
all of the petty things
that you have done to others
that you have said about others 
because you think
for some reason you are better than them
better than me.
but instead of shouting to the world
all the ways that you fall short of 
being a genuinely warm person and
exposing the person behind the mask
i feel that i don't need to because
you know that you can't fight
the monster you've been molded to become
so i'll sit here in silence and pray to God
to take it easy on you when it's time to 
learn the lessons you missed
when you were off being a bitch
because He knows
you know not what you've done

to whom it may concern,
to whom it may not concern,
for everything you've done
be it good or bad
be it right or wrong
thank you.

the love show.

so on saturday night

weeks and weeks of hard work

came to fruition

that morning was rough

i barely ate breakfast

sat through a mean ass perm

that burned like hell

took a cab a half a mile because 

i was late for dress rehearsal

had to take a cab a half mile back

to get my medicine

and get my foundation

and get my life together

but by 6 pm things had settled down

outfit one, was on and i was feeling

semi confident until i heard

hundreds of voices laughing and applauding

as the other acts went on before me

and my knees started shaking and

i prayed to God to not let me pass out

not after all this

so i went on stage three times

and found the courage to speak from my heart

especially during my solo

with my black dress pink heels

center stage, one spotlight

on me

and debangshu told me 5 minutes before

"don't rush this moment

when you get on stage

take a second and let them soak your presence in

and then take that first breath

utter that first word

and own that stage"

so despite the fact that minutes before

i needed kelly to hold me up

i walked on stage

grabbed the microphone like

i had been born to perform

and spit the truest piece i have written yet.

and i walked off stage

to thunderous applause.

hell.

maybe i was born to perform.

alone time.

lately i've been so busy that

alone time is a luxury that

i haven't been able to afford

no matter how much i plan ahead

scrimp and save

there's always something to do

and someone to do it with

but it's been so long since

i've heard myself thinking outloud

that im beginning to wonder

if i've lost my voice

or if its merely muffled

by the moans and groans of the day

and i know that this is the life i chose

and this is the path i opted to take

but the fact that i have to ask someone else

can they hear my heartbeat

because i'm drowning in white noise

and dense crowds

is a problem

breathe and stop

i look on my iCal

[thank goodness for this macbook

or my life would be in shambles]

and i realize that

there isn't a day "free" on my

calender for the next two weeks.

and while i've done it before

and i'll do it again

because He created me to climb

bigger mountains and fight

greater demons 

is there any shame

in taking a break

to breathe and stop

hard time.

i'm doing research on

a prison that i will be visiting tomorrow

actually, correction -

a correctional facility -

and i stumble across a blog

fueled by a desperate wife

missing her husband

hopefully getting parole in

1 year

7 months

4 weeks

3 days

18 hours

and 57

56

55 seconds

so that she can sleep in his arms again.

and i cant help but hope

that God finds a way to dry her tears

and hold her tight

if worse comes to worse

as things quite often do

and two years from now

the pillow on the 

other side of the bed

is still as cold as it has been

in previous years past

lately.

"he makes me feel so good/

better than i would by myself/

or if i were with somebody else"

-paraphrased from T-Pain's "Can't Believe It"

Lord give me the strength to

look past those who lied to my face

forgive those who failed me

pretend to ignore their hurtful comments

save myself from their devilish ways

distance myself from those who don't matter

love myself really and truly above all others

and Lord, if You can,

let me be open to the blessing

of new people wanting to be in my life

especially him, sleeping peacefully,

as if we've known each other

for all time

reading in the dark.

i said i could do 18 hours

and theoretically i can

if all i do is grind grind grind

eyes wide open

mouth wide shut

but i never intended

so early on in this round

to have been knocked down

by so many people

so many times

i'm up early trying to finish this book

that needs to be done by 1

which is impossible because i have

classes at 10, 11, and 12

every light in my room is on

but it feels like i'm 

reading in the dark grasping

for the sentences to make sense

to my puzzled brain

i cant even focus on 

black rage in the prison system when

my mind is wrapped around

29919194 things at once and

i really just want to

lock myself in my room 

the rest of the semester and 

read and read and read but

i know no matter how many

300 watt lightbulbs i plug in

i won't be able to see

the words on the pages because

the darkness has blinded me

and i'm choking on my tears