perm.

every six weeks or so

i have to drag myself out of bed

at some ridiculous hour

and make my way to roselawn

where my beautician's shop is.

i hate getting perms. but by the time

six weeks rolls around my coarse

black roots are too thick to handle

so i sit in her chair, let her base

my scalp like a turkey and proceed

to light my head on fire.

but before all this happens,

she sifts through my hair to get 

a general idea of whats going on.

and apparently, your scalp

can tell alot about whats going on with you.

she said, ashley,

your hair seems to be shedding

a little bit. it's not as full as it was

when you came in before school starts.

what's going on? are you stressed?

i thought about responding back,

well yes, ms. crystal,

i have had the semester from hell

and i just finished the finals from hell

and i have literally been pulling my hair out

in tears from stress plus i've been

looking for internships and

i lost my best friend and 

my bank account is perpetually on E and

i've doubted every friendship i've ever had and

that's why my hair has been shedding.

but instead of doing all that,

i just gave her a sheepish smie

and said

yes ma'am.

somebody.

sometimes i wish

that i could meet

that somebody

who would save me

take me away

from this place 

and lead me 

to happiness.

wherever that may be.

and then i wake up

from delusion and

i realize that the only

person who can

get me to where

i want to be 

is me.

and i know

i don't believe in

a man turned messiah

to take me in his arms

wipe my problems

and my tears away

and every man

i have ever met has

let me fall

let me slip

let me down

at some point or another

so somebody,

whomever you are,

wherever you might be

if you're out there

take your time.

i'm still working on

me

text messages.

so it's another night
of me texting you
and you texting me
back within seconds and
i laugh out loud because
you're silly and
you're clever and
you're cute.

but every time i press send
i feel like
i'm jumping
in the deep end of a pool
and i can't swim
i feel like
i'm running a race but
you won't let me win so
what's the point.

and i know that
you're different than
alot of the rest but
that's how they all
are until
they you get to know
them

but despite
the odds stacked up
against me
and the bricks you've
lain as this fortress
to keep me out
i still love it when i see
on my phone
new message
followed by
your name
again and
again and
again

21 on the 22nd.

it's 12:22 am
on 12.22.08
and i'm
officially
21.

the only thing
really left to do
is get on my knees
and say
amen

tis the season to be hating.

i really don't understand
why all of a sudden
the past few months or so
my honesty box
[which i am realizing i should just destroy]
has been full of
ridiculously hateful messages
from petty females
calling me anything but
a child of God

and it's odd because this year
i'm so hard to find, seriously.
i'm on my waldo ish so to come at me
and tell me about myself
ESPECIALLY if you're a sophomore
or lord forbid, a freshman,
do you really know me?

at first it made me upset
almost to the point of tears but
this isn't sophomore year, round 2
i will be 21 in 24 hours
and i can't help
that i'm on these little girls' minds
like it's my job.

actually, it is my job. not to
make anyone feel threatened but to
let my light shine and be
the most absolutely amazing ashley rhae
that God will allow me to be and
if you feel that my light
is shining brighter than yours,
instead of hating and trying to extinguish
mine,
sit back and take notes.

mr. marshall [and the morning before].

so in my finals frenzy
or sort of...lack of
i have been sleeping crazy amounts
12 hours
15 hours
at a time and today i woke up
in an anxious overdrive
looking the hottest of hot messes
but quite aware that today
tonight
and this morning i have to go harder
than ever before

so i'm in the bcc printing off free stuff
gotta love the bcc
and i noticed a head poke in the doorway
then pokes back out. but im not really concerned
general logic and blues are the only things
on my mind but the same head
with a body attached comes in the room
and starts to speak to me
and intelligent intelligible words come out

his name was andrew marshall
and told me about him studying
at johns hopkins and how he's 22
but he looks like he's 27 because until
you've tried to cure AIDS you don't know
what tired is and he said that i was
a beautiful black woman despite the fact
that i was wearing a ratty bengals hat
little to no makeup and my hair tied up
in a mean, 5 second bun

i packed up my 80 pages of general logic
work that i should have studied months ago
and bid him adieu but not before
mr. marshall asked me
to hit him up
and i've been so tired
studying and studying and studying
that i totally forgot that
unbeknownst to me
i broke my new years resolution
before it even started.
damn.

on the art of being sketchy.

after hours of being cooped up in buttrick 4th floor, somehow, meg, hew, j gunn and lutalo and myself started calling each other out on our personal levels of sketchiness. this discussion turned very heated [and hilarious] because while some people are sketchyyyy from day 1, freshman fall, others [according to them, like myself] become sketchy quite randomly and sketch out exponentially. well. since it's hard to glean a person's personal sketchiness, since i don't own a sketchometer [but i DO own a thirstometer...another story for another day], i figured, hey. there need to be some general rules for pulling sketchiness off. and they are:

1. never, ever, ever admit you've been out sketching when if u get caught. lie.
2. the hours from 11 pm - 7 am are sketching hours.
3. any male in cole and any female in tolman can be considered lurking/being sketchy even outside of the set aside sketch hours.
4. anyone wearing the same clothing you noticed them wearing the day before = busted
5. when lurking in towers, always go down to the first floor then come up.
6. when lurking in the commons, at least have a computer and 1 notebook so you have proof that you are taking notes on some obscure subject.
7. when you're on the vandy van between the hours of 1-5 am on a weekday and you see someone getting off on a stop where they don't live, they're lurking. but don't bust them out, because odds on you're on the vandy van for the same reason. no group project meets at 2 am.
8. generally, upperclassmen on commons after 10 pm not in the commons center = lurking
9. generally, freshmen on main campus after 10 pm not in sarratt = lurking
10. luckily, in the winter, you can hide your identity. hoods. scarves. glasses. boots.
11. if you are approached about your comings and goings and the nosy individual guesses correctly, you can/should ask them about any recent gossip concerning them to throw them off track.
12. when signing someone in to a dorm that has security [towers, ingram, north, etc] and your friend is off campus, but from the nashville area, do not write his/her correct name down. nosy people look through these lists.
13. best method of establishing a lurk connection = instant messager, as long as u close out the application afterwards. cant be traced.
14. don't be ashamed if you are indeed caught lurking. you're getting yours and the haters are greeeeeeeen.