the love show.

so on saturday night

weeks and weeks of hard work

came to fruition

that morning was rough

i barely ate breakfast

sat through a mean ass perm

that burned like hell

took a cab a half a mile because 

i was late for dress rehearsal

had to take a cab a half mile back

to get my medicine

and get my foundation

and get my life together

but by 6 pm things had settled down

outfit one, was on and i was feeling

semi confident until i heard

hundreds of voices laughing and applauding

as the other acts went on before me

and my knees started shaking and

i prayed to God to not let me pass out

not after all this

so i went on stage three times

and found the courage to speak from my heart

especially during my solo

with my black dress pink heels

center stage, one spotlight

on me

and debangshu told me 5 minutes before

"don't rush this moment

when you get on stage

take a second and let them soak your presence in

and then take that first breath

utter that first word

and own that stage"

so despite the fact that minutes before

i needed kelly to hold me up

i walked on stage

grabbed the microphone like

i had been born to perform

and spit the truest piece i have written yet.

and i walked off stage

to thunderous applause.

hell.

maybe i was born to perform.

alone time.

lately i've been so busy that

alone time is a luxury that

i haven't been able to afford

no matter how much i plan ahead

scrimp and save

there's always something to do

and someone to do it with

but it's been so long since

i've heard myself thinking outloud

that im beginning to wonder

if i've lost my voice

or if its merely muffled

by the moans and groans of the day

and i know that this is the life i chose

and this is the path i opted to take

but the fact that i have to ask someone else

can they hear my heartbeat

because i'm drowning in white noise

and dense crowds

is a problem

breathe and stop

i look on my iCal

[thank goodness for this macbook

or my life would be in shambles]

and i realize that

there isn't a day "free" on my

calender for the next two weeks.

and while i've done it before

and i'll do it again

because He created me to climb

bigger mountains and fight

greater demons 

is there any shame

in taking a break

to breathe and stop

hard time.

i'm doing research on

a prison that i will be visiting tomorrow

actually, correction -

a correctional facility -

and i stumble across a blog

fueled by a desperate wife

missing her husband

hopefully getting parole in

1 year

7 months

4 weeks

3 days

18 hours

and 57

56

55 seconds

so that she can sleep in his arms again.

and i cant help but hope

that God finds a way to dry her tears

and hold her tight

if worse comes to worse

as things quite often do

and two years from now

the pillow on the 

other side of the bed

is still as cold as it has been

in previous years past

lately.

"he makes me feel so good/

better than i would by myself/

or if i were with somebody else"

-paraphrased from T-Pain's "Can't Believe It"

Lord give me the strength to

look past those who lied to my face

forgive those who failed me

pretend to ignore their hurtful comments

save myself from their devilish ways

distance myself from those who don't matter

love myself really and truly above all others

and Lord, if You can,

let me be open to the blessing

of new people wanting to be in my life

especially him, sleeping peacefully,

as if we've known each other

for all time

reading in the dark.

i said i could do 18 hours

and theoretically i can

if all i do is grind grind grind

eyes wide open

mouth wide shut

but i never intended

so early on in this round

to have been knocked down

by so many people

so many times

i'm up early trying to finish this book

that needs to be done by 1

which is impossible because i have

classes at 10, 11, and 12

every light in my room is on

but it feels like i'm 

reading in the dark grasping

for the sentences to make sense

to my puzzled brain

i cant even focus on 

black rage in the prison system when

my mind is wrapped around

29919194 things at once and

i really just want to

lock myself in my room 

the rest of the semester and 

read and read and read but

i know no matter how many

300 watt lightbulbs i plug in

i won't be able to see

the words on the pages because

the darkness has blinded me

and i'm choking on my tears

untitled

the people that you care about the most

will always let you down

the people that you care about the most

will always let you down

so stop caring