13 / 30 : april showers.

so it's been a few days since i wrote something legit. my mother was in town, my best friend probated, and in general, things have been wild. but here we go :

april showers

today was bipolar

pouring one second

sunny the next

but it seemed like no better time than

the present

to make the past

new again

and no one will ever understand

just exactly when or how

things fell apart but

everyone wants to give

their two cents

and if i sat and added up

everyone's two cents

i'd be sporting prada loafers

too

but the fact that its april

and things that were buried

can blossom

not into the same flower

but something like it

gives me hope

that this extended metaphor

for this unfortunate circumstance

too

could eventually bloom

6 / 30 : photograph.

so i went to bed at 7 am, woke up at 8:45 for class, and somehow managed to stay up until 3:30 until i fell the hell asleep. bless my heart.

mondays suck. but poems make it all better.

as usual, check out mr. marshall over here. and the 30/30 cypher here.

let's get it.

photograph

im browsing through my macbook

trying to create a slideshow of

the year past and i realized

that these memories are still

burned into my skull and

etched in my heart no matter

how far i try to put you out of my mind

and theres a picture of the two of us

candid as hell, neither looking at the camera

your mouth is wide open

big white teeth gleaming

gear fresh as usual

my chinky eyes are wide shut

as i grin with glee

and we're sharing a moment

when nothing else mattered

when we were still

best friends

and its captured on film

for me to look at and to remember

the september

before everything fell apart

and if you're reading this

just know that this poem

only a few lines long

took me 30 minutes to write

because its hard to type

when im looking at this photograph

and the pain escapes

through tears running down my cheeks

rekonnektion.

i woke up today like it was khristmas
and then i felt sick to the stomach
because i forgot that while things arent bad
they arent exactly right either.

we used to talk about this day
with krazy excitement and anticipation
and while i was making my sign i kouldnt help
but wonder if you'd even appreciate it.

but by the end of the night
after your sons had krossed we
presented you with the big sign
2.5 by 1 ft squared of love
to my surprise you smiled
and beamed and hugged like
it was khristmas.

and it was then i got it
things change
neos become prophytes
prophytes become oldheads
i've become Me
and you've become You
and even though we kant
be who we used to be
perhaps
we kan turn something old into
something new

what hurts the most.

what hurts the most
after being so close
is that in my heart i know
things will never be the same again.

and right now we can talk
and smile and say hello
be cordial and exchange niceties
but it's not good enough.

i want you to be happy
no matter what and you seem
to feel this way with her so
i'm happy for you.

but the fact you can't make
room for two women in your life
that love you differently, but
love you all the same -

i'm tired of writing about you.
i want to delete this post.
the fact that i still give a damn,
i guess. that's what hurts the most.

all these things that i've done.

at the club tonight
reggae, our favorite.
a month ago
a year ago
two years ago
we wouldn't have just happened to
run in to each other there
by chance you would have
called me at 5 pm with this evening's
game plan and we would have left
and made a grand entrance together.

and tonight,
the music was jookin
as usual and me and the girls
were wylin
[especially me. you know how i do]
and we were dancing in the same circle
through association but not
dancing together.

and it was crazy because
one of "our songs" would come on
we'd both go crazy
start doing the moves that we made up
a billion years ago in your room
and we'd share a smile
for half a second and then we'd remember
that we aren't friends anymore. so we stopped
dancing
looked down and felt awkward.

and we all left that same time
because we run the same circle of friends but
before we all departed hugs were
distributed and hopes of safe travels
back home were given out except you
and i walked past each other
as if two months ago you weren't planning
to bless the food at my thanksgiving table
as if i didn't cradle your head in my lap
in the backseat of a car while you
were damn near dead
as if we completely forgot
that we used to be all each other needed.

it's taken me this long to admit it
but now that i get it
i realize that
no matter
what you do
i'll always
always care about you.
and tonight there were so many things
i wanted to tell you and you were
2 feet away from me but
we let 2 other people
get between
what used to be.


damn, bighead.
i miss you.

4th meal.

so i go down stairs to the munchie mart
korey is there as usual
we chat and i wait until midnight
to finally calm my stomach and get the usual
late night snack:
orange soda, naked juice, banana

and then all of a sudden
the two of them walk in
like a bootleg bonnie and clyde
and it seems like korey turned
the temp up in the munchie mart to
200 degrees i was on mother
fucking
fire and i was sweating like an african slave.

i dont even stop to chat with korey tonight
i grab my purchases and dip
press the elevator button for up
repeatedly
as if it will be aware of the urgency
that it knows my ex best friend
and his girlfriend are coming up right behind me
so open up and SAVE ME SAVE ME

my luck has been bad as of late and
tonight seems to be no different
as the elevator door opens up wide
as soon as they arrive behind me.

the three of us in this ascending box
the two of them hand in hand
me clutching to my banana
no words to be said
after two and a half years
what more can i say?

i get off on my floor
and the cold front left behind
from the frostiest elevator ride ever
makes me turn my thermostat on
and i warm my hands over the heater

2nd street.

the leaves hadn't fallen yet
but we already were
inseparable and rumors
swirled as they usually do but we
were too awkward to
bring them to light

and one night i was in your room
as usual and we wanted
to go to bb kings and see a jazz set
but you thought it was too late but
i was unwilling to take no for an answer
and we ran out of hemingway hall
hailed a cab and headed to 2nd

we were the youngest people there by far
your goatee hadn't grown in yet
and i still had brown streaks in my braids but
we sat ourselves down in a cramped table
and listened to darnell levine croon and wail
the candles on the table smelled like
promise passion and love
subjects that we hadn't
yet got into our freshmen year in college
subjects that we avoided our sophomore year
subjects we are avoiding as i type this

and after the show it was cold
and that night the trees on 2nd
bid adieu to their dying leaves and you
had your arm around me, keeping me warm.

and on the way home, we said nothing
while the cabbie played miles davis
our silence was sweet and its vibrato hung in the air
we said nothing, and it spoke volumes