i'll wait and pray.

jazz always gets me thinking and feeling.

listening to: john coltrane - i'll wait and pray

i'll wait and pray

i'm afraid one day my heart

will swell up in my 

constricted and conflicted chest

like a hot air balloon and 

explode

my soul will float up up

and away to heaven

caring so deeply about 

so many people

especially you

can't be healthy.

every night i say a prayer

to keep me strong from one

day to the next but i always

make time before the alter of

God to pray for you 

like

i pray for myself because 

i 

don't

know

who will if i won't.

so i'll sit and i'll wait 

and pray

21 / 30 : the LDOC.

last day of classes, junior year. crazy, right.

but much to look forward to in the near future. in the meantime -

the LDOC

there has to be an end

if there's a beginning and today

i woke up with the end in mind

and in sight as i walked out of

my last class and prepared

to be a senior

but being a senior

doesn't mean that i'm immune

from mistakes because

when i see you and when

you touch me 

even though it's the end

it feels like the beginning

all over again

the journal.

so i woke up this morning

to a most familiar voice

telling me he's downstairs

with a belated birthday gift.

so i hop out of bed

[turn my swag on]

and greet him in my slippers 

he hands me a beautiful journal

full of empty pages

except a note from him in the very front

full of silly jokes

and words of encouragement 

to keep writing.

and for years i have shied away from 

real live tangible journals in fear that

they would get in the wrong hands or

someone would blackmail me or

one day

i'd look back

and see the pain on every page

and know that this paragraph

on february 18, 2009 

is jumbled and unreadable because

i was sitting on my bed

mascara running, gasping for breath

sobbing.

but after he left i looked at

and held up this

brown and gold bound up

gift from one writer to another

and i sat down at my desk

and carefully and painstakingly

thought out loud

and to my surprise

the words found their places

on the page

him [the phone call].

i didn't realize until last night
when i found myself stuck, sad
and needing advice
he was the first person i called

and although i've known him for
little more than a season or so
i feel like i can trust him
with almost everything

and my friends think he's sketchy
and won't be along for the ride when
it gets rough but he's proven to me
that he's down

back then when i first met him
i would have died if you told me that
now my days feel a little uneven
if i haven't heard from him

is he only in my life
for a season or two, i can't say
all that matters now is when i call
he always picks up

lost and found.

so
i feel like the past 24 or so hours
have been a more or less summation
of my semester. thus far.

and
i'd be lying if i said that
i'm not upset and i'd be lying
if i said that i don't care and i'd
really really be lying if i said
that i don't care about him because.
i do. and i do. and i really do.
but sometimes
you lose a battle.

and
tonight with the girls
over dinner
talking and reminiscing and being around
the people who know me
best and i don't have to
put on a face for, well.
that's rare. and for everytime
that i get my feelings hurt,
get upset,
or lose a battle,
i know that i can always find a home
in the hearts of my four best friends.


and with all of that being said,
and with all of this madness
swirling around me --


--i'm still
the luckiest girl in the world.