21 / 30 : the LDOC.

last day of classes, junior year. crazy, right.

but much to look forward to in the near future. in the meantime -

the LDOC

there has to be an end

if there's a beginning and today

i woke up with the end in mind

and in sight as i walked out of

my last class and prepared

to be a senior

but being a senior

doesn't mean that i'm immune

from mistakes because

when i see you and when

you touch me 

even though it's the end

it feels like the beginning

all over again

15 / 30 : the woes of the black president.

today was a good day, & i had me a great night. sort of.

also: this is poem 15 of 30. half way home!!!!

let's go!

the woes of the black president

i'm not trying to get shot dead

on a balcony like brother martin 

or lay in a pool of blood

in an auditorium in harlem like

malik shabazz and 

i'm not trying to bailout the world

like my president barack 

i just want to do the job

i was elected to do

but oppression from all sides

resistant to change

resistant to the fact that

new leaders mean

new ideas and new beginnings

some people just cant stand that

so they pack their things

and leave

and already i want to

throw the towel in and quit but

im too legit and

im the best man for the job

so 

despite the fact

whether you like it or not

trust that im doing my best

for what its worth

but to get them to trust me

to really really trust me

this little black girl with chocolate skin

i might be more than they

bargained for

and im sure as hell

more than they can handle

13 / 30 : april showers.

so it's been a few days since i wrote something legit. my mother was in town, my best friend probated, and in general, things have been wild. but here we go :

april showers

today was bipolar

pouring one second

sunny the next

but it seemed like no better time than

the present

to make the past

new again

and no one will ever understand

just exactly when or how

things fell apart but

everyone wants to give

their two cents

and if i sat and added up

everyone's two cents

i'd be sporting prada loafers

too

but the fact that its april

and things that were buried

can blossom

not into the same flower

but something like it

gives me hope

that this extended metaphor

for this unfortunate circumstance

too

could eventually bloom

feelin it

some point today, i dont even remember when, i got a glimpse of myself in a window and i was like, damn.
and im not just being funny or conceited because any one who really knows me knows that im mean self conscious but. today i looked at my reflection and i saw a beautiful, put together, chocolate woman who looked mean confident. it was crazy. it was like.. i cant describe it.
and i know that sounds really random and not a big deal but lately, i know i've been my worst critique. and i know i've been beating myself up and letting others get the best of me but for that moment, i walked across the sarratt promenade and you couldn't tell me nothin. i was feelin it.

his return, part 1.

so i guess in 12 hours time
i will have eaten, and passed out with my dog
on the couch while my brother and dad
watch the cowboys play some unfortunate team
[as long as it's not us] and he's there too.
like he has been. for the past three thanksgivings.

i guess the story about him is that well
i used to love him
and now he kicks it with my brother
and pretends that he and i are still tight
the 4th thursday of every november.

the first thanksgiving, we were together.
and in love and he and my daddy shot hoops
afterwards and i took pictures and it was cute.
last thanskgiving, we werent together
but we were in love and i took pictures and he
wrestled with my cousin and it was cute.
this thanksgiving, after this year's...drama
we aren't in love and i won't be taking pictures
of his fine
sexy
finesexyfineeeeesexy lebanese ass because i don't
want to remind myself and get
caught up in bad habits.

i don't want to see him, but i do.
but i really don't want
whatever feelings i used to have
to reemerge onto a thanksgiving table
while daddy is blessing the food, i'm falling
back in love with this boy, before
my mom even asks me do i
want some greens [of course i do].

so i'll leave him alone. yeah.
only speak to him to ask him to pass
the cranberry sauce.

but if he starts getting all cute
smiling his perfect smile wearing
that sweater i got him last christmas
and starts whispering in my ear
uh.

aww maneeee.

4th meal.

so i go down stairs to the munchie mart
korey is there as usual
we chat and i wait until midnight
to finally calm my stomach and get the usual
late night snack:
orange soda, naked juice, banana

and then all of a sudden
the two of them walk in
like a bootleg bonnie and clyde
and it seems like korey turned
the temp up in the munchie mart to
200 degrees i was on mother
fucking
fire and i was sweating like an african slave.

i dont even stop to chat with korey tonight
i grab my purchases and dip
press the elevator button for up
repeatedly
as if it will be aware of the urgency
that it knows my ex best friend
and his girlfriend are coming up right behind me
so open up and SAVE ME SAVE ME

my luck has been bad as of late and
tonight seems to be no different
as the elevator door opens up wide
as soon as they arrive behind me.

the three of us in this ascending box
the two of them hand in hand
me clutching to my banana
no words to be said
after two and a half years
what more can i say?

i get off on my floor
and the cold front left behind
from the frostiest elevator ride ever
makes me turn my thermostat on
and i warm my hands over the heater