to fly, to fly.

we are
in this together but separate and
this road is long and the
journey is too so i'm glad i
have a traveling partner to
share stories with and listen
to shitty country songs to

we're driving but we
aspire to sprout wings and fly
but
even if i stay grounded
for the rest of my life, to see
you take off and
soar
would be incredible

rekonnektion.

i woke up today like it was khristmas
and then i felt sick to the stomach
because i forgot that while things arent bad
they arent exactly right either.

we used to talk about this day
with krazy excitement and anticipation
and while i was making my sign i kouldnt help
but wonder if you'd even appreciate it.

but by the end of the night
after your sons had krossed we
presented you with the big sign
2.5 by 1 ft squared of love
to my surprise you smiled
and beamed and hugged like
it was khristmas.

and it was then i got it
things change
neos become prophytes
prophytes become oldheads
i've become Me
and you've become You
and even though we kant
be who we used to be
perhaps
we kan turn something old into
something new

the inevitable awkward class discussion on race.

so yesterday in my political science class, we resumed discussion on 'the race question.' race is one of my favorite topics, for a variety of reasons, but i knew that i couldn't say anything today because "they" would expect me too. professor mcdaniel asked question after question about dubois, BTW, garvey, X, mlk, carmichael, leaders that i am extremely well versed in and could speak volumes of. but everytime his questions drew a pregnant pause, i saw heads turn in linden and my direction, expecting us to be the little black ambassadors on race. i played stupid and looked at the ceiling. i think linden looked at the wall. either way, we were not going to entertain these white people and be walking talking negro encyclopedias for a day, only to ignore our presence the next class period.
this discussion usually turns up once in a semester, and i'm usually more embarrassed but yesterday i was angry and i wanted to throw the souls of black folk down and walk the hell out but that's probably blasphemous. WEB is my boy, after all.

feelin it

some point today, i dont even remember when, i got a glimpse of myself in a window and i was like, damn.
and im not just being funny or conceited because any one who really knows me knows that im mean self conscious but. today i looked at my reflection and i saw a beautiful, put together, chocolate woman who looked mean confident. it was crazy. it was like.. i cant describe it.
and i know that sounds really random and not a big deal but lately, i know i've been my worst critique. and i know i've been beating myself up and letting others get the best of me but for that moment, i walked across the sarratt promenade and you couldn't tell me nothin. i was feelin it.

defying defiance.

they say good girls wanna get down with the gangsters

i've lived my life trying to defy the stereotype
and stay away from dudes like you

but right now
i don't want to be
an exception to this rule

what hurts the most.

what hurts the most
after being so close
is that in my heart i know
things will never be the same again.

and right now we can talk
and smile and say hello
be cordial and exchange niceties
but it's not good enough.

i want you to be happy
no matter what and you seem
to feel this way with her so
i'm happy for you.

but the fact you can't make
room for two women in your life
that love you differently, but
love you all the same -

i'm tired of writing about you.
i want to delete this post.
the fact that i still give a damn,
i guess. that's what hurts the most.

vsdub.

1 lebanese dude from boston
1 blonde white boy from ohio
1 dominican dude from brooklyn
1 freckled black bruh from chattanooga
1 half haitian girl from cincinnati
1 night out of the busiest week in
1 room of the bcc basement taking
1 turn at a time spitting poetry and
1 by 1 we're turning ideas into magic and
1 day soon we'll speak and they'll listen.

the cool

so i'm back at vandy
cleaning and trying to make
my room "exam study friendly"
for the nights that im too sleepy
to go to the commons and
the mornings that i will inevitably
wake up and have to cram cram cram

and i think about
the week that has passed and
the week before break seems
so far in my rear view and
the feelings i felt then
i think
i'll just leave them back there.

but now that i am back
sitting here, blackberrying my
impending week from hell, part 8,
i can't help but think about you

and it's funny
how i can tell every other dude
i have met that i'm THE baddest and
absolutely mean it but
when i try to say it to you
we both just
laugh. and i sorta kinda miss you
even though you're sorta kinda right here and
i wish i could tell you this
but at the risk of losing cool points
i'll just sit here and look pretty

the questions.

so i must admit
after a fresh perm
a mini spree at the mall
and poppin lipgloss
ya girl was looking
damn good when i went
to walmart this evening to get
what i needed for the
remainder of the semester from hell.

and i'm in the cosmetic section
perusing maybelline lipgloss
[yeah, i had some on. but you
can never have enough] and i was
in the middle of trying to figure out
if papaya splash smells better to me than
watermelon fresh when this employee

[male, black, almond colored,
about 6 foot even,
broad shoulders,
fresh post-thanksgiving fade, crisp khakis
new looking sperrys, straight teeth,
big smile]

wearing a name tag that yelled
RUSSELL in big black letters tapped me
on my shoulder.

i stood up and put on my mug
because i thought he was going to accuse me of
stealing lip gloss but
from his
full lips, he asked me,

where's your man?

and i just sort of stood there, looking
really stupid. papaya splash in one hand,
watermelon fresh in the other.
i tried to gather my bearings,
re-establish the cool points i clearly lost
licked my lips slowly, squinted my
already chinky eyes and put my hand on
my pronounced hips.

i don't have one, i declared.

you're lying, he stated.

why would i lie? i asked.

because. you look like
the type of girl - excuse me -
the type of woman who would have
a nigga like me on lockdown.


[insert awkward, 10 second pause]


he smiles.
i frown.

well, i say
i guess appearances can be deceiving then,
as i put both papaya and watermelon
back in their respective places.

they're scared of you, russell said.

what? i ask.

i don't even know you, miss,
but i can already tell that
you would make a nigga work for his
and niggas don't like to work for anything
except...you know. he said.

yeah. i know, i replied.

i tried to stand up tall
and make myself look tough.

russ-ell, i breathed slowly.
why are you asking me all these questions?

i don't know, he said.
because i noticed you.
you're a beautiful woman and
your gear is tight but
you looked like you're missing something.

like what, i asked.

like love, he said.

[awkward silence, recommences]

and if you ever wanted to not
be lonely, he continued,
i work at register 23,
monday through friday. so maybe
one saturday you'll let me
take you out and
love you for a night.

i pick up my purse and
pat down my hair and
straighten my skirt and
i say to him

i'm too busy for love
right now but the next time
i come back home
maybe
i'll stop by
register 23.

he gives me a half smile as i
walk past him
trying to convince myself to
believe the words
that just came out of my mouth.