this is exciting and terrifying, all at the same time.
it's the end of the world as we know it [and i feel fine]
three years ago i begged my mother
for an rainbow colored bedspread
that was over her budget
as most things are
i promised that i would take care of it
and do my laundry every week
she said as long as i didn't have sex
on that 100 dollar bed set
she'll buy it because it'll last
four years
tonight i lugged my bedspread
out of the mildewy mess of our basement
i couldn't help but stick my nose in the fabric
and inhale
it smelled like the first day of school
when i lived in lupton house
i had lain my outfit on my bed
with deliberate care my boyfriend and i
had bought it for that very occasion
he said i looked beautiful in it
and he kissed me on the cheek
i'll never forget the night i left him
for a new life back down south and how
i cradled his 6'2 frame in my arms as he
sobbed secrets in my shoulders telling me
how he loved me so much
and he'd catch the first bus down
when he could scrounge up the change
but by the time he showed up
baggage in hand and a smile on his face
i had changed
it sort of smells like sophomore year tears
a salty and relentless odor of unrequited love
and girlish gossip that sent me
over the edge one day that
cold winter
i sobbed in my bedspread, bare feet on the floor
my heart wanted to be at ohio state
i didn't want to cry anymore because tears
were not enough to keep me
enclosed in the halls of gillette house
i wanted out but angie and michael
wiped away my watery woes and gave me
the good sense to see beyond that day
that week that month
and gave me clarity the three of us
the triumvirate
were tighter than thieves and if
i didn't have them then
i'd be bleeding scarlet and grey
along with half of the high school
i tried so hard to leave behind
i closed my eyes and i could smell the
scent of sexuality from junior year
so strong that bleach couldn't wash it out
i needed a calendar to keep up with
the dudes i was talking to and i was forgetting
the names of the guys who stopped through
they would always make themselves at home
on my bed spread, expecting me to strip
tease them
ease them out of their clothes but
my chastity wouldn't let me
but i can still remember being wrapped together
like poetry and prose
under my covers
with him and the gust of wind
he blew in on
as we struggled to find a label
that fit
for what we were
and weren't
and i can't forget the one who
would drive miles to get underneath my sheets
sneaking him upstairs
and how he gave me chills he was
ice cold but he promised to warm me up
and he did
he wanted to turn the heat up full blast
but i had to cut him off and he began to
melt
but the one who held me tight every night
who could very well say my bed was his
and i couldn't get enough of the way he
touched me
saved me
the best way he knew how
from the coldest winter ever
by just being there
and shielding me
from my nightmares
and as i folded up the bedspread
tightly
a testament of the dreams and schemes
of the past three years
each one different in every way possible
than the year before it
i slam the car door shut
with my whole life peeking at me
out of the back window
heading down I 71 for the last time
and it's the beginning
of the end of the world as i know it
but
i feel fine
No comments:
Post a Comment