Wednesday, August 05, 2009

16 / 30 : to be loved.

terrible shit happens in the world every day. but this
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/08/05/pennsylvania.gym.shooting/index.html
story upset me and broke my heart from all sides.
and everyone gets mad at the shooter. which makes sense. its fucked up. and unnecessary.
but there is a story behind every tragedy. 

to be loved

dear george,

i know those nights killed you
when you stayed at home eating
stale popcorn watching cinemax
movies on demand your ears ringing
from the sounds of lustful love stories
that you could never really identify with
were you that guy in the locker room
when all the other boys traded
stories about their manhood around like
baseball cards that just nodded
smiled and threw in a 
'me too' every once in awhile
you wanted to have what they did
you wanted to bleach your shirts clean
from lipstick prints around the collar and take
her on a cruise of the allegheny navigating
her curves as the boat swayed back and forth
back and forth

but for whatever reason, you weren't
that guy
an invisible man with a somber spirit
and you spent your days masturbating
to your digital desires
ejaculating dreams of what you'd never be
all over your computer screen
that was the only way they'd ever manifest
into something tangible but they too
you wiped clean and threw away

and i wonder when you blogged about 
your existence
in morbid details about 
your depression
and your plans to detonate danger 
into the core of my birthplace 
did anybody hear you
is the blogosphere so vast that your screams 
were met by mere echoes and echoes 
did someone stumble upon it one night
dismiss it as a ranting of another 
lonely tortured soul
and kept browsing 

i wonder if when you 
walked into the gym last night
you felt like a convoluted Cupid 
inserting angered arrows 
and broken hearted bullets
into unassuming women who
would never love you 
did you peak in ecstasy when 
every woman in the room
had their eyes on you
for the first 
and last time in your life
did you feel like a bachelor
did you feel like a player
did you feel like a Romeo when
they were sprawled in odd angles
like fallen angels
before your feet did you think that
blowing her chest cavity away
would be the only way a woman
would bare her heart to you

and when you put the final bullet
into your head did you find solace
that three women 
with loves of their own
waiting at home
succumbed to your piercings
of unrequited love 
and died for you
was it worth it, george,
to rip a city into pieces
your family up in arms
their families in rapture
for you to finally taste
what it might be like
to be loved



3 comments:

Stitch said...

kind of rough
the part about masturbation was comical
and it shouldnt have been
it was mainly the part about it hitting the screen
which is very cartoonish
that pretty much ruined it for me

i would have liked to see the whole poem done as a cupid metaphor

ashley rhae. said...

lol ew. cartoonish and comical? not what i was thinking at all. ew.

i originally wrote the whole thing as a cupid metaphor but it didnt work the whole way through/his story didn't really mesh with that mythological tale until the end i suppose. literally, and figuratiely.

born2entertane said...

blowing her chest cavity away
would be the only way a woman
would bare her heart to you

i love this.well i love the figurative language you used. it made me cry. The description of a forced revealing of the heart, and yet he still receives nothing.